I’m embarking on a journey of self realizing sh*t.
I ordered Mastin Kipp’s, “Claim Your Power: A 40-Day Journey to Dissolve the Hidden Blocks That Keep You Stuck and Finally Thrive in Your Life’s Unique Purpose”. It’s basically a 40 day self discovery class. I’m only on day 8 and a big part of what he talks about is how our past traumas are the things that get in our way of truly living our purpose. “Hell yeah”, I thought to myself. I definitely have some past sh*t that has defined who I am today. As I’m working through the pages of Mastin Kipp’s book, I start to see. I start to see how much pain I’ve been living in. I start to see where it all began. It’s becoming so clear. It’s wild, why haven’t I sat down and dealt with any of this? Maybe because I always felt that it was too painful to revisit? Oh, I almost forgot, I’ve been drunk ever since.
My drinking and drug use where a direct solution to my pain. My drinking has been my conclusion, my safety net and my comfy blanket since I was 14. Yes, you guessed it, my running started when I was 14. There was what Mastin Kipp calls your “original incident”. The original trauma that sparks your numbing. I feel I didn’t have the proper tools or the maturity to deal with what happened. Now I’m forced to back up, take a moment and use my new found maturity and tools to FINALLY face my deepest fears.
Actually a few things happened when I was a new budding, flowering teenager. It started when I straightened my hair and got contacts. I wanted so badly to fit in. I did finally, sort of. At least I thought so. I don’t want to go into great detail about a couple things that happened, but I do want to talk about the aftermath or a better description would be afterMETH. Ha, I can still have a sense of humor about the whole thing.
So what happened was I had hooked up with a older guy, he was 18 and I was 16. This part is where my heart starts beating super fast, my palms get sweaty and I have a huge knot in my stomach. Just write it out Molly, just f*cking do it. He videotaped us having sex and decided to show it to his friends. Ironically, or maybe it was more of a coincidence, when I first found out about this, this was also the same night I tried meth for the first time.
I’ll never forget when I walked into this high school party and I walked up to a group of my guy friends and one of them looks at me with wide eyes and says, “I saw your video”. My heart stopped in that moment. No it didn’t stop, it was actually beating quite fast from all the “cocaine” I had done. I say “cocaine” because the guy that sold it to me and my friends said it was cocaine. Come to find out later that is actually meth. Anyway, I look at my friend and say, “What video?” His face changed. His smile faded to a look of concern and he explained to me that, let’s call him S, had videotaped us having sex and showed a bunch of his friends.
My world starts spinning. I remember going back to my group of friends and telling them what I had just heard. They did what any good high school girlfriends would do. We went into the nearest bathroom and took shots of SKYY vodka and did lines of “cocaine” off the toilet.
Yup. This was the night that I became addicted to meth. I went on to use it morning till night for 6 months. I hardly slept, I hardly ate. I withered away to skin and bone. My days and nights were spent hiding in people's garages snorting lines of meth. Man those were dark days. I got other friends and acquaintances addicted to meth. I couldn’t dig a hole by myself, I needed others to help with the labor.
One girl I helped get addicted smuggled some on a plane with her to go visit her family. She stuffed it in her panties and boarded the plane. She didn’t get caught, but jesus, imagine if she had? Two other girls I used to use with got in horrible car accidents. Meth has to be the worst drug on the planet. Well, at least it was for me. I remember snorting my first line of it and feeling like I would do this forever. It was instant addiction. I never wanted to stop. I think the powerlessness I felt hearing about being videotaped was battled with the “all powerful” I felt when I was on meth. It gave me the strength and the tools to deal with being violated.
Let me explain real quickly how I stopped. I started dating a guy and he wanted to use meth with me. So I snorted lines of meth with him and I hated him while he was high. He was so annoying. Then it clicked, maybe this is how people saw me while I was on meth. Through the thick cloud of smoke I had been living in, I saw that I was worth more than this. So the guy I was dating helped me stop using by feeding me vicodin and smoking weed. I know, fight one addiction with more drugs. It worked. I stopped using meth cold turkey. I did however start smoking weed and drinking alcohol quite a bit. I may have stopped using meth, but I had not dealt with the very thing that was keeping me scared.
Which leads me to today. I may have stopped using meth cold turkey, I may not drink or use other drugs, but I am still scared. I still feel powerless. I’m trying to figure out how to claim my power. I’m working on being honest with myself. I’m writing out my past traumas and really looking at them. Reliving them and trying not to blame myself. I’m trying to see them as sh*tty things that have happened and they do not define the beautiful person that I am today. They may have happened, but that’s okay.
Maybe my purpose is to share these stories and to help others not feel so alone. Because you aren’t. None of us are alone in this. We all experience powerlessness and pain. We’ve all been violated in one way or another. What truly matters is facing it. To stop running from it all. To turn around a look fear right in it’s f*cking eyes and say hello. Shake it’s hand and give it a hug. I’m opening a part of myself I’ve never opened and believe me I’ve opened many parts of myself. Ha, again, I can still find humor in all the sh*t. To look at myself and be able to say, “You’re a beautiful human, who has had sh*tty things happen. These things do not define you. It’s how you choose to look at them that defines you.”
I open my heart to the world and most importantly to myself. I’ve identified as the meth addicted, violated teenager for too long. I’m turning around and I’m looking at her. She looks tired. I think she’s had enough. I think she’s ready to move on. I reach my arms out and give her a hug. I allow myself to feel these out of body experiences. I’ve never been religious, but I find myself wanting more. I find myself talking to an out of body source. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like a friend. Like someone guiding me, so I don’t feel so alone.
