One misstep, my boot slides out from underneath me and my face makes contact with the rock. I’m now draped over the beautiful rock face cliff like a little goldendoodle who just played for hours at the dog park. My floppy curly ears frazzled, ego floating in the cold river below and my fear a blazin’. Where did mommy go? She was just here taking care of her friends who took lots of fun substances, making sure we had enough water to get us back up the mountain and whispered songs of confidence building in their ears when they forgot their power deep in the sand. Mommy is gone. As fast as she came into existence, she’s now a floppy little puppy puddle.
I never wanted to be a mom. As young as I can remember I never wanted to get married or have kids. I knew I would never work a 9-5 job. I knew I was different from the moment I stepped into my first day of school. Everyone is rushing around, engaging and conversating. Looking back I now realize that I was just watching. Slowly but surely I realized we are all the same thing, we just wear different uniforms. Some of us push through life trying to live up to something our family wants us to be. Some love the structure and a clear path ahead. Some feel lost and search for meaning wherever and however they can. I think most of us possess qualities of all. I think we all crave to be seen and loved by our families and crave some element of structure and rule following. I think we all feel lost at certain times of our lives. Definitely when our walls and stories about ourselves are challenged. For me, I never wanted to be a mom, a housewife, an angry spouse or cheating widow. I wanted to be me.
“Yes Mommy”, is the first thing I see when I open up my messages on one of my platforms. Mommy? Does he want me to treat him like my son? This was one of the first of many messages I would be receiving as an adult content maker. I was one of thousands of women and men who decided to pursue a different avenue of work during the COVID pandemic. I decided to f*ck my way down this rabbit hole because this line of work has always interested me. I would read sex worker only support forums and read all about their stories and interactions with the world around them. I had been studying this line of work for over a decade, obsessively. What piqued my curiosity most was how happy and fulfilled a lot of these women and men seemed to be. Some talked about how close they became with their clients and others talked about how they loved the ability to make their own schedule and not work for anyone else.
I never pursued this line of work because I was afraid of what the world would think of me and how little I would become. So I continued on as a waitress for many years. Waiting tables, standing all day, plastering a huge smile on my face even when contemplating suicide. If I raised my voice or tone with anyone they’d make sure the manager was called right over to put in a complaint about a less than enthusiastic waitress. This was killing me. This is not living. I felt my soul crinkle and crumble each day I showed up to work. I’d hope to get into some sort of catastrophic car accident on my way to work just so I didn’t have to show up. When the catastrophic accident sadly wouldn’t happen, I’d sit in the parking lot of the restaurant and think of many reasons why I shouldn’t just drive away right now.
Before I had my daughter, there was no good reason. When I just had the burden of taking care of me and only me, I’d show up late or not at all. I knew I wanted to be more than this job. I knew I could make money doing what I loved, but what can a girl do with no college education? What can I do if I don't follow the order of what you’re supposed to do to become a productive member of society?
I quickly learned that the world is your classroom. I may have struggled to sit in my chair with a pen and paper trying to keep up with the rest of kids around me and I barely finished high school but I’ve been running around this world for a few decades now and man I have learned a lot. I learn lessons each day. Everyone I interact with is a teacher. I am a forever student. I will never be handed a piece of paper and congratulated for figuring out the world. I will sit patiently, watch, learn, listen, and be. This is what the word “Mommy” means to me.
Mommy is someone who guides and listens. A mommy glides alongside the earth. She is the mountains and the trees. She holds nature's hand and let’s it all be. She does not try to control the weather, she does not control the waves of the sea, she lets the clouds form and just let’s nature be. That’s exactly why the earth is called Mother. She guides our little lost souls to places like Deep Creek Hot Springs where we find our center. Right along the Pacific Crest Trail an area so deep. It’s warm water boils giving us a place of reprieve. We frolic and play until our lessons have been learned. Then back up the mountain we go, solidifying everything we now are. The punishment my body feels hiking up that mountain, the lesson almost gets lost. Without the bad, there would be no good. So following the physical pain comes a burst of energy and accomplishment. You made that mountain your bitch and now Mommy is laughing at you from down below because a mommy always knows the work is never over, it just grows and grows and grows.
So who the f*ck is Mommy? I’m f*cking Mommy and you’re f*cking Mommy! Mommy is a tough, loving, nurturing, guide that will help you find your way on your own. I will nudge you, suck you, f*ck you and leave my mommy juices covering every inch of your skin. People come to me to be heard and seen without fear of judgment. You know all the weird sh*t you think and feel? I’m right there with you. It’s our nature. It’s ugly, weird, off putting and slimy. But it’s also fun, colorful, vibrant, yummy and safe. I love being Mommy, the very thing I never wanted to be. I kept running from what I thought a mommy should be.
I will show you unconditional love. Even when placing boundaries for myself, that is still loving you. Because in order to truly love oneself, you have to put yourself first. If someone in your life considers your well being selfish, be a good mommy to yourself and let that person be. Don’t entertain it, walk away and be the change you want to see in the world. I give permission to all I come into contact with to be themselves unabashedly because I do the same.
That is my goal for my work. To leave people with a better sense of self and not afraid of their nature. This is how I want to imprint and leave the world, a more compassionate loving place. I want you to walk into my space and feel the permission to be whatever the f*ck you want in any given moment. Be a puppy puddle on the ground, be a mommy, a daddy, a brat or depressed. Let all the emotions and feelings just be. They will pass like the storm passing through. Let’s be each other's mothers and love ourselves unconditionally, and allow one one another to just be.
